The Red Car November 15, 2013

As I was approaching R-day, it was time to turn in the silver Prius I had leased three years before and to decide what car to lease or purchase for the future.  A decision of this magnitude – well, let’s be honest, a decision of any magnitude – for me is a challenge.  Though the Prius had great mileage, comfort, and sufficient roominess for two bicycles or lots of soccer-playing girls on its side, it also had major blind spots, both front and back, rattling me on many journeys.  I can’t tell you how many people in crosswalks I had nearly wiped out or how many cars I had nearly crashed into while changing lanes during those three years!  

And so it was that I fulfilled my destiny, presaged – or should I say “instructed” – by the fortune from a Chinese cookie about a dozen years ago when the Mini was released and which I have carried around with me ever since.  It said, “Buy the Red Car.”  And so, finally, I did. 

Now you will find me in a little button of a chili-red Mini Cooper, changing lanes faster than you can say “Bob’s your uncle” and taking that little spot between two San Francisco driveways that defies parking by any other car.  I can honestly say this is the most fun car I’ve ever owned (except maybe the red Fiat I drove as a graduate student, which my father always referred to as the red lemon), and gosh, it took retirement to get there!

Check-In November 12, 2013

It has now been three months since I started The Passaggio blog and four since I retired.  Since I’m planning to keep up this blog for one year only, I thought it was time for a little “check-in” to assess how things are going and to re-group if necessary.  (Just think, faithful readers, you are already one-third of the way through, too!)  Check-in here is not unlike writing the summary and conclusions in the old gridded lab notebook, recording what have I done, what has worked, what hasn't, what does it all mean, how should I proceed.  

Let’s start with project numero uno: singing. I’ve leapt with typical verve and commitment into a completely new life.  My two music classes at College of Marin are awakening me to a whole new world, but these are hard subjects and are not coming easily to me.  I am learning a whole new language, one which would have been much easier to grasp at age ten, with music theory being the written word and ear training being the spoken.  It is a steep learning curve, which I love, but tedious, which I don't.  In principle, I should be good at this, but I’m simply not.  I’m going to keep going for now and try to work a little harder at it; maybe there is just a little hump or activation barrier I need to vault over to really get it!

Added to that is how frazzled I feel by my singing practice, which I dutifully attend to almost every day.  With a new teacher, there were many new or long-forgotten ingredients to meld into my voice, with only occasional satisfying results.  I simply wasn’t enjoying practice as much as I used to; it seemed to take inordinately long to coax out a beautiful sound, and I had to ask why.  If you read “Daruma Doll” (November 10), you’ll get part of the answer, and here I did need to regroup, prune away one teacher, and recommit to the joy and the intellectual and physical challenge inherent in singing.  Performing in Pirates and Tosca - indeed, just practicing with other singers - is so enjoyable and powerful for me that I know this is what I need to do. 

One perk of retirement in concert with an empty nest is the ability to be spontaneous.  I feel like a social butterfly who has emerged from a seemingly impenetrable chrysalis.  Movie?  Sure!  Concert?  Yes!  Art exhibit?  I’m there.  Drink afterwards?  Why not!  A walk?  Let me get my shoes!  So let’s put that, together with the many friends who share in these delights, in the plus column. 

But am I really moving into a path that is deeply meaningful?  My meditation practice has been replaced by obsession with my art projects.  I now leap out of bed to play with paint and paper at my kitchen table rather than settling myself down onto my zafu cushion.  One of my hopes for this year has been to initiate work with a spiritual teacher – I already know whom I intend to approach for help – but I keep avoiding contacting her because I know it will be another large time commitment.  Clearly, delving further into Buddhism is not my priority at this time.  It will come.

The blog itself, though, is a small platform for meaning, "writing as meditation practice", as they say.  Those of you who keep a blog – Chieko and Molly I’m thinking of you – know how time-consuming it can be to turn a little thought into a paragraph.  But, in terms of a path, it somehow makes you accountable and adds an extra dimension to your experience.  I’ll keep going.

The Daruma Doll November 10, 2013

I had previously mentioned Cathy, my life coach, who prompted me to start singing again after a twenty-year hiatus to raise Annie and to care for my lab.  Cathy, who is of Japanese descent, gave me a Daruma Doll, a little wooden model of a Zen Buddhist with two eyes missing.  “The idea,” Cathy instructed, “is to paint in one eye with an intention of something you want to accomplish, and then to paint in the other eye when you have achieved it.”  Immediately, I painted in one eye with a black Sharpie and wrote the words “SF Opera Chorus” on the bottom of the doll.  It became my intention to audition for the San Francisco Opera chorus and my hope to get a slot as an extra chorus member. 

I like the idea of having a challenging goal, one which is not easily accomplished, but which has some small chance for success.  Last year I had heard a guy named Eric Maisel on the radio talking about “productive obsession”, and this notion really resonated for me.  The idea is to have both an absorbing journey and a clear destination.  The book I have been working on (that is another topic for the future) is one such perfect example.  I loved the process of research for the book, the writing and re-writing, and ultimately I hope for a real publication.  I asked Cathy for a second Daruma Doll for this productive obsession, and it has one eye filled in and labeled, “Splice”, the book’s provisional title.

Auditions for the opera chorus are now imminent, and this sincere intention – a whole Buddhist doll dedicated to the process! – has understandably ratcheted up my anxiety.  Added to that anxiety has been the mercurial behavior of my new voice teacher, who one moment supports me and the next tells me I’m not ready.  It became so unsettling, even though I have really learned a lot from her and enjoyed working with her, that I needed to end our student-teacher relationship in order to re-ground myself.  Now I need to put this audition in perspective, to think of it as a fun challenge rather than simply a terrifying, high-stake experience.  Practice, practice, and we’ll see what happens!

Hockney: The Texture Guy November 3, 2013

Yesterday my friend Beverly drove into San Francisco from her home in Mill Valley and we spent the day together.  As it happened, it was her birthday, so I was especially delighted to be with her.  We hiked the big loop up on Mount Sutro, where the hearty Sutro Stewards were working on the trails, as they do the first Saturday of every month.  (NB – I helped one Saturday and it was such strenuous work that I have shied away ever since; my vulnerable back is simply not sturdy enough for the challenge, so many thanks and kudos to those who were out there!) 

Beverly is a prominent ceramicist, and I wanted to show her what I was learning in my beginning art class at College of Marin.  I took her through the cut-outs, the values, the milk carton, the logo, and then my little scribblings of line and texture for our current book project.

From there we went down to the de Young Museum, that glorious Herzog & de Meuron copper-clad edifice in Golden Gate Park, to see the new David Hockney exhibit, “A Bigger Exhibition”, feasting first on lunch and coffee in the cafe as we waited for our timed entrance.  OMG, this was even more mind-blowing than the recent Diebenkorn show.  The volume of his output, the quickness, the colors, the use of iPad and digital cameras.  And then Beverly said, “He’s a texture guy,” and suddenly I understood what we are trying to accomplish in our line and texture art project.  Already in the past week, I had started to notice texture I had never been aware of before – the diamond pattern made on the sidewalk by light through fencing, the back side of Trader Joe’s graham crackers.  My art class has given me a new way of seeing, and I am so grateful.

Student Rush November 2, 2013

Previously I noted the little thrill of getting a senior discount at the swimming pool in Palo Alto, but full-time studenthood has gone one better with student rush at the San Francisco Opera.  My favorite spot in the opera house, after thirty years of experimentation and analysis, optimizing sight, sound, price, willingness of friends to join me, and intimacy with the production itself, is now the orchestra front row, in one of the two far left or far right seats.  Twice now with student rush, I’ve been able to wend my way a little closer to center, still in the front row, still able to take in the conductor and the marvelous orchestra, but with a fuller view of the production.  The opera house is my cathedral, and the closer I can get to the alter of music, the better.

The Book Review October 30, 2013

One vestige of my former career as a geneticist happily lingers into this year of passaggio: I am the Interviews Editor for an open access journal, PLoS Genetics.  I had suggested to my co-editors that we run the occasional book column with recommendations for good reads in and around genetics, and I also volunteered to write the first one.  We set a target date in anticipation of the holiday book-giving season, and then I was actually forced to set down a few lines about my favorite books in the science genre.  The column should appear in early December, and I’ll be curious to see if anyone out there in cyberspace will be inspired to pick up one of my choices and share in my joy.  Or perhaps whether I'll be skewered because his or her favorite book isn't on the list.  

Opus One through Four October 30, 2013

Writing a piece of music, no matter how short or how simple, was not something I thought I would ever be capable of doing.  And yet, for my music theory class, I have now written four little ditties, about 8 bars each.  “Start with the melody and add some chords – think function,” said my teacher Trevor, or “start with a bass line and add a soprano counterpoint.”  These baby steps are jittery and surprising, and like a proud mother, I have recorded these little bits of magic on my iPhone to document, to revel in and to share with indulgent friends and family.   I wonder whether these steps might ever evolve into sure footing, or even whether they will be practiced.

Audiobooks October 28, 2013

I am an avid reader and a member of two book clubs, but I have never “read” a book on tape.  I have always been suspicious of this approach.  How will I be able to concentrate?  Won’t it be painfully slow?  What if I don’t like the reader’s voice?

For 18 years, I was a mom who took her evenings at home seriously, and many of those involved reading in a comfy chair in my study while my daughter did her homework.  But now, two things have changed:  first, there is no daughter to be home for, so there is no impetus to actually occupy my evenings with reading and second, I’m spending far too many hours in the car, driving to classes at College of Marin, to rehearsals in Palo Alto, to voice coaching in Oakland, and then to Almost Pi in Point Reyes to recover!  So, I borrowed a few audio books from the library, and now, I’m hooked!  No longer do I perceive these commutes as wasted hours.  I find myself learning, laughing, lingering over the sentences before I withdraw the car key. 

And as for the voice of the reader, I’ve learned to adapt.  From Stefan Rudnicki, whose resonant bass lent extra gravitas to Nabokov’s “Speak Memory” yet was so rich as to give me auditory indigestion, to Elisa Donovan, whose cutesy vocal lilt in “Lean In” by Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg seemed antithetical to the topic at hand (advancement of women in the workplace, but to be fair, Sandberg herself suffers a similar affliction), audition adds an extra dimension to the experience of reading. 

Eyeliner October 23, 2013

Retirement is fearful in that the persona one has lived within for 30-odd years is no longer there for envelopment and protection.  On the other hand, this radical transition is an opportunity to re-think and re-shape that persona, give it new life or a new twist.

In readying myself for the Tosca performances, I was forced to buy – and to apply – liquid eyeliner.  What a disaster!  But with each application, I got a little more adept and decided that maybe – just maybe – I could think about using it in real life!  What a concept. 

Disarray October 23, 2013

You might think from this blog that everything post-retirement is heading in a positive direction, but there are only so many hours in a day, and with all my new activities and long commutes, some aspects of existence have fallen by the wayside.  My backyard, for example, is a mess, suffering from lack of water and attention.  (Fortunately my Meyer lemon tree, now well established, is still going strong; I plucked literally hundreds of lemons over the weekend.)  I’m not sure what lesson that I should draw from this wreckage – either that I need to slow down, or perhaps that I should hire a gardener.